Turmoil in ancient Egypt? Lol Queen is banging her advisor
The ancient world was a dangerous place, full of marauding bands of thin, hungry people one meal short of eating the first dude to fall asleep. So, in times like these, people have to be careful, and when we think about the past, it’s hard to imagine that people dicked around like we do today, but dick around they did and gloriously at that.
Our first example is perhaps the world’s oldest example of political satire, pornography and vandalism all in one explicit image carved onto the side of an Egyptian monument. At the time it was carved, there was some instability following the death of the great warrior Pharaoh Amenhotep III and when his sister / step mother took over as King of Egypt, this was a sign that shit was on the slippery slope to hell.
One of only a few female pharaohs to rule Egypt in her own right, Queen Hatchetsup was married to her brother at a young age like the rest of the royalty of antiquity, because incest was wincest before Christ. But she was not happy in her marriage, and when Amenhotep died she took over and put on the Sacred Beard of authority, proclaimed herself the Female Falcon, and ruled the shit out of Egypt for several decades.
Not only was she a competent administrator in her own right, but the first images of a visit to sub-Saharan Africa and the first depiction of Elephantitis, the queen of Punt was depicted as a huge bitch in a relief at der Al-ba-ahery; yet Queen Hatchepsut established the first zoo and botanical garden in history, bringing back the seedpods for myrr and all kinds of oils and shit. And how was she rewarded?
She was famously in love with her advisor, so much so that underground tunnels between their respective tombs met between one another so, once they died, they could meet and grind bones. The Egyptians believed that, essentially, the next world was just like this one but with air conditioning. While it was not proper for the Queen/King to cavort with commoners, it is worth remembering she had the power of legitimate violence on her side and, though people mocked her at a distance, drawing her with exaggerated, balloons as breasts coupled with a stick-figure whose erect phallus is half his body length, that legend, and experts know it is the Pharaoh because of the head gear; the Airaius, the buzzard and cobra, huge boobies and coupled with a stick figure with a mighty phallus protruding towards Her majesty. Whoever did this was probably put to death for his contribution to the intellectual, shitposting heritage of humankind.
Der al-Bahe-ery means ‘united in eternity’, and the graffiti this homie painted showed the two stick figures, the royal highness getting it right in her royal arse sure enough.
NIKASITMOS WAS HERE AND MOUNTING TIMIONA — get it bro!
How common is it for a guy to boast of his sexual exploits? Chances are the last five dudes you talked to, of them at least three spoke of wanting to do what the ancient Greek Nikasitmos did to Timiona, only this was found by archeologists working on the Greek island of Astypalaia and it is beleved to be the world’s oldest erotic graffiti, not withstanding the stickfigure fuckery of our previous entry, and this depiction of a pair of dicks dates to the 5th century BC and is accompanied by our Greek dudebro whose sexual conquest shall stand for all time, a 2,500 year old testament to the unchanging, unflinching persistence of testosterone through time.
This is not unique for Greeks, however, as it seems that wherever they went they had to carve some demeaning shit on whatever they could find. Another traveler was visiting Egypt and, unimpressed by the massive, hulking old ruins of the Pyramids – which were built at a time more distant to Cleopatra than Cleopatra to the premier of Spy Kids in 3D. This Greek asshole made it clear that he was not impressed, writing:
“I VISITED AND I DID NOT LIKE ANYTHING EXCEPT THE SARCOPHAGUS!”
Take that, Egyptians! You cat worshiping fucks!